It’s been a sh*tty year! Let’s just be honest and admit that I’ve been in a metaphorical sh*thole this entire year. And when I try to get out of it, I fail and it’s starting to feel like this sh*thole is part of my life now. So why not write about it even though I won’t be able to justify the fact that I haven’t been blogging but at least I can explain myself. I honestly hope I can. Will not call it a comeback because who knows. I don’t.. so, I hardly expect anyone else to know either.
Last year around this time I started a new job. At the end of May this year I was technically fired from that job by not getting past the trial period. At the end of May I went straight into a new job. The stress was real, it still is and well, so is my depression.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Have I always struggled? Yes. Have I always had more going on in my head than I let on? Definitely yes. Have I always had a name for it… probably not. But I have felt very alone and misunderstood a lot ever since I was a teen. But I just chucked it into being different.
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Then came 2019. Where somewhere in the middle of July I realised that I have a serious problem and it’s a problem I have to face every day. Haven’t gotten any professional help yet so I might be overreacting but all the online tests say that I do in fact have depression. And I have diagnosed myself correctly online once, so needless to say I believe this to be true. Statistically it’s also very unlikely that it’s something else.
Safe to say it’s not an easy thing to accept (even after self-diagnosis). I think I have always lived in my head a lot but the stress and the events of this year really pushed me into darkness. I guess it was just a matter of time? Maybe. Which makes me sound like a ticking time bomb went off in the beginning of 2019 but that’s how I feel. Now I just wanted to say it out loud here on my blog because I always want to be as honest as I can with myself. And my blog is an extension of myself hence this very depressing post right here.
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I don’t want any sympathy. Which I think is part of the reason why I have been keeping it to myself for a very long time. It’s something that I need to deal with myself and I feel like sometimes the help I get is misleading. But I did want to put this out there because I need everyone to know that we all have problems. Every blog about movies or TV-shows or lifestyle, has a person behind it who isn’t sharing everything. And keeping something a secret can add stress to an already stressful situation.
From my perspective, so many of my friendships happen online and keeping a certain facade for my online presence is a bit frustrating at times. There have been numerous Commercial Break drafts that haven’t been finished because there’s a cloud over my head and I’m not addressing it. I’ve been hiding behind a happier person and that’s just not me. Why hide, you may ask? The reason is simple, I feel that there’s so much shit in the world anyway, so why throw more shit out there.
Yet that’s not a healthy attitude to have. If you struggle with something, it’s always better to talk about it. Even if it’s just a post that maybe 10 people will read. Maybe it’s a professional who is always willing to listen. Keeping it in is not a solution and well clearly it also means you end up giving up things you love. When you keep in the shit, you inevitably end up keeping in all the good along the way.
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Which is how I ended up watching my blog descend into non-existent in 2019. And I love my blog! Honest to god! It’s always been a constant presence in my life and it has brought me so many good things, it has connected me with so many amazing people. So the lack of sharing has inevitably caused me more stress. Leading to more stress, leading to depression, leading to being an online-loner. I share less, I join in less, I am distant and I’ve become an observer because I don’t participate.
Like I said in the beginning this is not to justify my absence. This is not to excuse my lack of posting, commenting or my lack of presence. It’s just my version of 2019 – it’s been a shitty year. And it’s not going to get better over night and I will always have days where I will not want to do anything. I’ve already decided that 2020 will have another turning point for me. It’s clear that I’m on a wrong path because I was thrown onto it during a time where I was not myself.
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In other words, I’m fucking lost. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going and I have no clear goals. Which for a person who has always had dreams is the saddest realisation ever. I turned 30 this year and if I’m being completely honest, I feel like I’m behind. Everyone else around me is living and I’m just strutting on a path that belongs to someone else. Maybe it’s because I’ve changed so much over the years. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t certain who I was when I chose this path but one thing is clear – I’m not okay.
But how are you? You’re good? Great. Yeah, well this took a more depressing turn that I thought but it’s good to be honest and I do feel a bit better. So yes, I’m still here, cruising along with life as it passes me by. So yeah, this feels like a good moment to stop now because otherwise I’ll have another breakdown. I wish you all the very best week you can have and well, thank you for letting me keep it real and honest today.
METTEL RAY 
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