In the midst of giving the project final touches and sending off one of my closest friends here in Sweden, I received an email regarding the interview I went to some weeks ago. Putting it nicely, I am fucking disappointed at myself because I didn’t get the internship scholarship. This is probably not the best news for the holidays for me but I had a bad feeling about this the entire week, still, a little sparkle of hope inside remained and that is what is giving me a hard time at the moment. Knowing that this post is going to be super personal, I don’t ask you to read it, I just need to let the feelings flow and express myself with what I know the best – written words.
Some years ago I had a personal blog for these things, and then I suddenly didn’t need the outlet in terms of a blog to express my feelings. I guess I lost myself somewhere and with that, my ability to write. For the past few months, I have felt like something had changed. Maybe its the change of scenery or the culture, or the fact that I don’t depend on my parents nor does my mom hassle me about being in front of the computer all the time. Actually, it really doesn’t matter. This missed opportunity to enhance my career/future was a sign of hope for me, myself and I – now it is gone and I’m lost again. I know that I still have many things in front of me, the fact that I have to go for an internship is still there but I have to stay inside the boarders of Europe to do so. I’m not going to the States, not next year at least and it hurts.
With that single sentence that stated what I had been afraid of, I started to think about so many things. Have you ever had that moment where thoughts seem to be chaotically rushing into your head and they have no apparent connection to the problem right in front of you? This is what I felt like, in a second I just wanted to re-write all my plans and re-arrange my future completely just because I had one setback! I know this isn’t the way to live, there are success stories of people that start with rejection after rejection, I mean, J.K. Rowling went from publisher to publisher with Harry Potter and look where she is now. Yet, I bet I know how she felt: not good enough. That feeling is present in my life way too often these days with various other personal problems but now as my academical hopes feel “not good enough” everything feels much worse.
Ironic though, my life outside this blog has almost nothing to do with movies except the fact that I watch them. My career is not connected to it, my 5-year-plan is not related to pursuing something movie/writing related, yet this is what I enjoy and love the most. I guess at some point I missed the train of studying something related to movies and I was too lazy to get on it after I was smart enough to know what I actually want. Don’t get me wrong, I like what I study but it doesn’t have that passion that I put here. Some of this passion is because of people who visit my blog and comment, none of those people are my actual friends but people I’ve never met and its funny how just a name can push you to become better at something. Is it too late to change everything I’ve worked for? Probably not, but nowadays everybody seems to be radical and cynical about big dreams and I believe them.
Once I wanted to be a screenwriter, or just simply a writer who eventually writes her novel into a script. Writing. Oh how I miss it and what a sad story it is for me with loosing the ability to place words in order of consistency in my own language! Estonian, my mother tongue, is a small language and I’ve never been good at it, the grammar is lazy, the punctuation is always in the wrong place and the audience of your work is pressed into a small country of less than 1,3 million possible readers. I guess I think too much, I guess sometimes I need the recognition more than I have skills to write something meaningful, I guess I’m approaching it all from a wrong angle. Then, when I think about it, the loss of hope of ever actually being the person I want to be takes over.
I know there’s still have time – until it’s too late. At the moment, I’m just being sad and hoping that I will find that string of inspiration to keep things moving and not forget that everything happens for a reason. Even though it seems like the most ridiculous thing to say at the moment, I do think that me not getting something is leading me towards getting something else that I’m not expecting. Or I just have seen too many movies and read too many books which have created this illusion for me. What ever it is, I’m glad I get to share a piece of it with you and I promise, no more personal ramblings that have nothing to do with movies. Though, this all sounds like a cliché teenage drama about a lost girl trying to figure out her future – all I need is Ryan Gosling to rescue me from a fire and Joseph Gordon-Levitt to recommend me books while I recover before I make the life altering choice between them two that will make the audience shed a couple of tears.
METTEL RAY 
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